do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
