my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
