WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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