i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
