So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
