Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
