God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
