Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
