i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
