May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
