I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
