I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
