He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
