I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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