i just wanna soil my oats bro
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
