apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
