At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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