Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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