If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
