I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
