Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
