My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
