Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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