so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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