god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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