He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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