He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
