this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
