the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
