I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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