Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
