Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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