"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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