I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
