I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
