He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
