I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize