Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
