Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
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