Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
