I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
