Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
