I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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