well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
