Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
