yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
