you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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