i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
