I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
