They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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