ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
