i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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