Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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