1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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