A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
