i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
BRING THE BAGELS
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
