Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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