I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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