can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
